The Nose Job

There comes a phase in everyone’s life when it’s time to take a long and hard look at oneself in the mirror and introspect. For me, it was today. I just stood there staring at myself in the mirror for what seemed like eternity (or an hour of engineering graphics, whichever sounds longer). As the cliché goes for such situations, I had a question only God could answer. Words eluded me as I searched my tormented mind for the perfect way to phrase the question. Ironically, the question was about the perfection with which God created everything, every other damn thing except one tiny little detail…… why the hell did he carve an ugly protrusion smack at the centre of an otherwise perfect face…? And again why the hell did he put two holes on it..? Granted we need to breathe, but couldn’t he have found some other place to put these orifices on us? For those still in the dark as to what I’m talking about, the object of concern here is the human nose. Forgive me if I’m being nosy, but what follows is my thesis on this weird facial feature.

Is it just me or does somebody else understand my dilemma..? Let me then tell you what prompted me to write about this seemingly silly thing. The other day I was scrolling through TV channels and stopped at MTV because... hmmm... because of the scantily clad women of course. Also, we don’t subscribe to FTV(despite my insistence) since my brother is dead set on cracking the All India Medical Entrance Examination. Anyways, the song ‘Tum Mile’ from ‘Tum Mile’ is playing and as I watch at one point Soha Ali Khan’s and Emraan Hashmi’s faces are so close to each other that I gear up for the Kiss(you know, given his reputation).

It is then that I noticed..... God her nose is huuuge. I remember thinking that if she breathed any harder Mr Hashmi would have had first hand experience on the mechanics of a vaccum cleaner. Giving myself a mental Hi-Five for that thought I opened up Google Images to pick some noses(huh..? :D). I crack my knuckles organizing my thoughts and then start my quest....

‘Aishwarya Rai nose’

‘Priyanka Chopra nose’

‘Katrina Kaif nose’

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‘Kavya Madhavan nose’, ‘Bhavana nose’ (can’t leave our local belle’s out now, can we.?)

We’ll leave the Angelina Jolies and Halle Berrys out of this coz let’s face it, we Indians get a special kick out of finding faults with our fellow Indians(“ Why is there nothing like ‘Game of Thrones’ on Indian Television...? Why dont Indian filmakers make a movie like ‘Inception’..? blah blah ”).

For inexplicable reasons I couldn’t picture myself typing ‘Ranbir Kapoor nose’ or ‘Hrithik Roshan nose’. Sounds like something only a gay person would do(Hell even they wouldn’t do that, there’s something seriously wrong with me..).

After all the hard work, unfortunately my thesis didn’t lead to any path-breaking findings. My research kept me up till midnight and I recall going to bed unsatisfied.
God came in my dream that night. She (it’s always a she when it comes to my dreams) came close to me and reached out lovingly. Waiting for answers, I let her hand approach my face. Her fingers touched my nose and her expression slowly transformed to anger and then...................................... she plucked it off my face. I woke up screaming in a puddle of sweat, my hands reaching for my face to see if my precious little beautiful nose is still there.

This is a tribute to the memories of all the weird and strange google search strings that we’ve tried, inorder to.... well boys, you know what I mean.................huh..?