The Tatooed Derriére

Warning : This might come through as ‘unsahikably’ narcissistic and nonsensical… but since you are already here, go ahead.

I’ve always tried to hang out with ‘cool’ dudes. It has helped me on countless occasions to project a pseudo-cool image of myself. Once you’ve had an entrée to their peer group, keeping ‘cool’ takes quite an effort. You’ve to keep yourselves abreast of the various profanities in vogue and buy branded underwear(it’s all about the inner beauty) so that you don’t become the odd one out; brownie points if you can ‘outbrand’ them. You’ve to listen to music of the likes of Linkin Park and Eminem, be opinionated about their latest song and talk about it as if Eminem were your cousin. You’ve to permanently reserve part of your brain for the sole purpose of coming up with witty punch lines, double entendre, vulgar jokes, etc…. it’s like training to be a Stand-up comedian. Given my less than reputable sense of humour, it’s a miracle that I’ve not had to sit up late in the night thinking up jokes and writing them down. Oh wait… on second thoughts I think I might have done that a couple of times. Coming up with a joke isn’t as much of a big deal as is the execution. You’ve to rehearse the joke like a meticulously prepared screenplay, manipulate the conversation towards something that resembles your screenplay, wait for the right moment and then jump in with the joke…… the process is exhausting and demands commitment.

Once you’ve found some footing within the group, it’s time to find and assume your role in it…. I mean you’ve to ask yourselves,

‘Am I the guy who sings parody songs with quirky lyrics or am I the guy with the incessant supply of toilet/potty jokes..?’

‘Am I the nerdy intellectual kinda cool guy who can quote Christopher Nolan or David Fincher movies and can talk volumes about why Inception and Leonardo DiCaprio are respectively the best movie and actor of our time.?’

‘Am I the weird geeky kinda cool guy who can tell you the significance of the new tattoo on Angelina Jolie’s derriére..?’

One day all this stress got to me and I confessed,

‘Dude, it’s too damn difficult to be cool!!’

One of them after due consideration of the statement spoke,

‘You know what’d be cool?’

After a moment of ‘wait-for-it’ he says, ‘getting a tattoo!!, you know.. like Angie in ‘Wanted’...’

‘On my butt..?’, I laugh at his suggestion.

‘No idiot, on your arm or somewhere else… how can you even compare yours with hers.’

Snide as it was, that comment sorta opened a pandora’s box. But in between the opinions and insights on derriéres that followed, compelling arguments were made in favour of me getting a tattoo.

Some months later when my right arm was at the receiving end of the pain caused by an inked needle, I found myself wishing…

‘If it weren’t for Angie and her bum…’

P.S

All the cool guy characteristics mentioned here are very real and bear direct resemblance to some guys I hold in high regard.