Relapse

Even before my eyes opened to the light of the new day, her fragrance welcomed me to it… then I felt her cheek on my chest… smooth strands of her hair on my shoulder… her body pressing on mine in a warm embrace. Waking up with her in my arms inspired an overwhelming sense of being alive… like escaping from a cold closed cave into a meadow in spring. Lying there, listening to her breathe… so serene… so effortlessly beautiful… time coming to a halt in the stillness between each breath… and then ticking by again with the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Pushing aside hair which fell down on her face I traced a finger from her forehead to behind her ears.

‘You awake?’ , I asked her in a whisper, running my thumbs in a curve from cheek to chin. ‘Hmmm’, she murmered. Slowly she woke up… moving her arms and legs… slowly disentangling them from mine… sitting up… stretching her arms above her head. She opened her eyes to let in the morning light which slipped in through the curtains as she stretched… and then she looked back at me over her shoulder.

My eyes met her’s and I saw a thousand emotions playing out in them… competing among themselves for the right to be in them. I wish I knew what they were. I searched desperately for the ones I was expecting… conviction… a faith bereft of any doubt… decision... but my eyes were greeted by waves of apprehension… remnants of last night’s lust, diminished by hesitation. I felt all the hope I’d mustered wither away… cold numbness spreading out from deep within… but I held it in. I wouldn’t let her see the pain. I’d never let anyone see my pain.

I forced a smile on my face to reassure her that everything was going to be alright. I was not sure it would but had to pretend to ease her worries. Sitting up, I reached out and took her face in my palms and kissed her. Her lips were lifeless as they blended with mine... no hint of last night’s passion. She was distant. I felt as if a wall had been built to keep me away… she wanted to be as far away from me as possible.

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She remained in bed and watched me as I looked for my clothes on the floor. Nothing was spoken as I put them on and walked out of the motel room. I fished out a smoke from my jeans and walked to the reception for a lighter.

Smoke filled my lungs… the heat from it seeping in… slowly clearing out the numbness that had enveloped me. I walked off aimlessly… thoughts muddled by all possible consequences and the uncertainity of it all.

I took out my phone. The screen flickered to life and showed ‘ 7:00 am, Saturday ‘. I had 12 hours… and a decision I had to make. I could end it today… and not see her again. It was the right thing to do. It was what I should’ve done yesterday… and the morning before that… and the one before that… save myself from a heartbreak every morning since that first morning fifteen days ago… save her from the guilt in being the cause for it… but I hadn’t. A feeling of loss gripped me as it dawned on me that I was going to do it today. All my hope had been burned to ashes. There was nothing to hold onto anymore.

I put out the smoke and walked back to the motel. The girl at the reception stared at me as strode in. I walked past her towards the room. I stopped at the door preparing myself for what I was about to do. A part of me wanted to run away and disappear… and forget everything that had happened… forget her. It would be easier.

Somehow it didn’t feel like the right thing to do. So I opened the door to tell her it was over but found the bed empty. She was gone. Her fragrance hung in the air as I approached the bed where I’d made love to her a few hours ago. It was exactly how it was when I’d left her there and gone out for a smoke… except for a folded piece of paper which now sat in the middle. With a steadily escalating sense of foreboding I picked it up and unfolded. In hurried letters she had written…

“ It was a mistake. It would kill him if my husband found out. I love him. I am sorry. “

**********

I woke up hungry and my head hurt. I had fallen asleep with her letter in my hands. I put on my jacket, took the keys and walked out. The girl at the reception was staring at me again. I had overstayed and she hadn’t woken me up. I thanked her and went to where I’d parked my car. I checked my phone as I got in… ‘ 6:30 pm, Saturday ‘ it showed. Without thinking I drove to the diner a couple of streets down the road. I sat down at the far corner and ordered ribs and a beer.

There weren’t many people around. This was where I ate most nights. It was quiet here. It was here, on a quiet evening like this that I’d met her first. It was 7 in the evening… I still remember, quite vividly, her walking in through the door… in a red dress. She looked unsure… as if she’d come to the wrong place. She stood deciding for a moment and then walked to the bar counter. I was watching her from the same corner where I sat now. I waited. A couple of other guys were also watching her. She had ordered a beer and sat at the counter drinking it. I waited more. She had almost finished the beer and still none of the men had approached. I stood up and walked towards her not sure what I was going to say to her.

I sat down beside her at the counter and asked, ‘ Can I buy you another one? ‘. She’d smiled. We both sat there drinking I don’t know for how long. We didn’t talk much. After the third beer I’d asked her, ‘ Do you wanna get out of here? ‘. She didn’t answer for a while and let the question hang in the air. I felt I should let it go… but out of the corner of my eye I saw her hands fiddling… there was a ring on her finger. I should have got up and left then… but I just sat there and waited. In that moment it seemed inconsequential that she was a married woman. I waited… till she said, ‘ Okay let’s get out of here.’ The ring was not there on her finger when she got into my car a couple of minutes later.

The waitress brought the ribs and beer and broke my reverie. I checked the phone again… ‘ 6:55 pm, Saturday ‘. Only five minutes left, I told myself. The feeling of loss I’d felt in the morning was creeping back in. Do not think about her! I was sweating. I took a swig of beer and closed my eyes. Do not think about her!  When I opened them again everything was a blur. ‘ No. No. Not tonight. Not again. She will never be yours. ‘, I muttered in between labored breaths. I tried to concentrate rubbing my eyes and opening them again. Don’t do this. You can’t live like this. You’ve got to move on! The ribs and beer in front of me, the table… all were slipping away… into a black void. It seemed like I was falling into it. I stopped breathing. She will always go back to her husband… no matter how many times you relive the day. She loves him. I saw hazy shadows floating by as my mind tried to catch up with the backward flow of time. The last rays of light left my eyes and darkness devoured me.

**********

She will always go back to her husband… no matter how many times you relive the day. She loves him. The words were ringing in my head when I opened my eyes again. Slowly, the table in front of me came into view. The ribs were gone but an almost empty beer bottle was there. I fished out my phone from my jacket and checked… ‘ 7:00 pm, Friday ‘. I looked up from my phone towards the bar counter… and my eyes caught red.

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