I’d
say I was born into faith and later grew out of it, though not completely. I
believe faith, for the majority, is an inheritance. It’s existence pre-dates
our own. In a manner our parents proselytized us. I was born a Hindu and raised
a Hindu. It became my reality. I was ‘introduced’ to a lot of dieties, all of
whom apparently were very rich coz they had ‘properties’ everywhere Mom and Dad
took us for family outings. I was taught to pray to them coz that was what you
had to do to make your wishes come true. Of course, I had no reason to doubt
any of this… mothers never lie, do they?
It
was all well until I was put in a school where I had to stand up and chant a
variety of hymns three times a day. The new ‘obligatory’ tag that came with
prayer took the feel-good factor out of it. It became more of a chore. By the
time I was done with that place I’d been unwittingly de-proselytized. The process was aided by a new awareness that intentionally I’d not been ‘introduced’
to a few ‘other’ Gods whom some of my ‘other’ friends got along well with.
Other catalysts were the realizations that miracles were too few to be
convincing and that the rhetoric surrounding answered prayers were based on a
flimsy premise.
Then
came the rebel phase. I took it upon myself, seeing as how it was my
constitutional right( Article 19(1)(a) ;P
), to question everything. Meanwhile, God was forgotten. Well, not quite.
Break-ups are messy and I wasn’t ready for one. Me and God were just
not-talking-to-each-other. I would taunt with status updates like “theist by
force of habit” and later I’d try and propose a truce with “atheist who prays
occassionally”.
This
self-centred state of mind served me well for a few years. I thought I was
about ready for the inevitable break-up…. but suddenly Identity cisis struck when I went
from being a final year Btech student to a jobless Btech graduate. For a while
it felt like the whole world was conspiring against me. It scared me. It felt
like my existence was inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. I felt
powerless. Occassional prayers started becoming frequent. I started doing the
touch-your-forehead-and-touch-your-chest thingy regularly when I passed near
temples. I kept telling myself these were nothing major. It didn’t necessarily
mean I was deserting my rationalist contemporaries.
But
today I found myself taking off my shoes and entering a temple. I prayed with
folded hands. I didn’t even stop my hand from reaching for sandal paste and
applying it on my forehead. I don’t know what I am anymore. I know I’m far from
being ready for a break-up. I’m afraid I’m entertaining thoughts of marriage
and settling down. Maybe it’s time to get over my commitment phobia.
:)
ReplyDeleteYou are right about the inheritance if faith
ReplyDelete.. For me, my God remained a Hindu for a long time.. But later I realized he /she is a Christian n Islam also... There I upgraded my faith from the one I inherited... I somehow felt that my faith has become more purified.. During my college days I have had been to churches more than temples... I respect all the three forms equally.... But still old habits die hard... I learned that I'm at absolute peace only when I'm in the middle of lighted diyas n dhoop... The familiar golden aura somehow soothes the troubled soul...
I believed that for those prayers which are not answered, I don't deserve them.... But there was a strong belief that he won't judge me... The strong faith I him gave the strength to hope even when life was at it's low... So
For some reason I'm not able to edit the above post... The strong faith I had in him gave me the strength to hope even when life was at its lowest.. So I never thought about a possible break up until recently.... Somethings went horribly wrong n I couldn't help but question my faith... I almost went through a falling out of faith stage.... But those days were miserable... I felt stagnant n weak... Helplessness sort of killed my spirit... There I learned that without hope, I won't be able to survive... N for that I need him... There I again upgraded my faith... There would never be a break up... Believing in that supreme power is like believing in myself... The faith that he will standby me till the end, dare me to hope... I close my eyes with folded hands in front of him n I feel a small diya lighted inside me...
ReplyDeleteGood read bro. I liked it and therefore I'm forced to write this.
ReplyDeleteNot everyone can break the stereotypes and think differently. So just think before taking the road back because it's the easy way out. You're better than that.