Suspended Animation

I'm on autopilot, just going through the motion
I'm alive, but in suspended animation
I'm not present, I'm lost in contemplation
I feel so small, I've lost all sense of proportion


There's no real problem, just my warped perception
What's wrong perhaps is my misguided interpretation
All stemming from an unrealistic expectation
But I can't free myself from this unhealthy obsession


No dearth of advice, each with good intention
I hear everything, nothing elicits any reaction
Disappointed, they accuse me of procrastination
They never understood my consternation
This nemesis of mine is my own creation
I'm stuck in suspended animation...


P.S
I've been told that the rhyme is a constraint but I think I've used whatever space I could within it to put across the idea.

Rediscovery of Faith

I’d say I was born into faith and later grew out of it, though not completely. I believe faith, for the majority, is an inheritance. It’s existence pre-dates our own. In a manner our parents proselytized us. I was born a Hindu and raised a Hindu. It became my reality. I was ‘introduced’ to a lot of dieties, all of whom apparently were very rich coz they had ‘properties’ everywhere Mom and Dad took us for family outings. I was taught to pray to them coz that was what you had to do to make your wishes come true. Of course, I had no reason to doubt any of this… mothers never lie, do they?

It was all well until I was put in a school where I had to stand up and chant a variety of hymns three times a day. The new ‘obligatory’ tag that came with prayer took the feel-good factor out of it. It became more of a chore. By the time I was done with that place I’d been unwittingly de-proselytized. The process was aided by a new awareness that intentionally I’d not been ‘introduced’ to a few ‘other’ Gods whom some of my ‘other’ friends got along well with. Other catalysts were the realizations that miracles were too few to be convincing and that the rhetoric surrounding answered prayers were based on a flimsy premise.

Then came the rebel phase. I took it upon myself, seeing as how it was my constitutional right( Article 19(1)(a)   ;P ), to question everything. Meanwhile, God was forgotten. Well, not quite. Break-ups are messy and I wasn’t ready for one. Me and God were just not-talking-to-each-other. I would taunt with status updates like “theist by force of habit” and later I’d try and propose a truce with “atheist who prays occassionally”.

This self-centred state of mind served me well for a few years. I thought I was about ready for the inevitable break-up….  but suddenly Identity cisis struck when I went from being a final year Btech student to a jobless Btech graduate. For a while it felt like the whole world was conspiring against me. It scared me. It felt like my existence was inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. I felt powerless. Occassional prayers started becoming frequent. I started doing the touch-your-forehead-and-touch-your-chest thingy regularly when I passed near temples. I kept telling myself these were nothing major. It didn’t necessarily mean I was deserting my rationalist contemporaries.

But today I found myself taking off my shoes and entering a temple. I prayed with folded hands. I didn’t even stop my hand from reaching for sandal paste and applying it on my forehead. I don’t know what I am anymore. I know I’m far from being ready for a break-up. I’m afraid I’m entertaining thoughts of marriage and settling down. Maybe it’s time to get over my commitment phobia.

Trance…..

Am I dead…?

I can’t feel my legs… or my arms… where am I…?

Don’t panic… don’t panic… breathe… just breathe… wait… I can breathe… I’m not dead… I’m not dead…..

Oh god it burns… my chest… feels like I’m breathing fire….. Fire!!! am I a dragon now…?

Wait… how…? re-incarnation…? is this shit possible…?

But why a dragon…?

Dragon… oh… oh, Khaleesi… Mother of dragons… embrace me… and protect me… hold me against your ample bosom…..

No No No No No stop… why am I thinking of Game of Thrones now…?

Wait… if I could just open my eyes and see where I am… come on now… lift them… come on… you can do it….. Fuck! eyelids are so damn heavy…..

Shit, it’s so cold… someone please switch of that fan… Fan! Oh my god, yes… I can hear the fan…I’m in a room with a fan… but… which room…? my room…?

No… can’t be… the floor is so cold… and damp… huh…? why am I lying on the floor…? and why is it so damp…? it’s freezing my ass..

Wait… my ass…Oh shit! where are my pants…? my clothes… where are my fucking clothes…? No No No No No… can’t let anyone see me like this… cover up your junk you fool… come on…

my arms… can’t move… my arms… Noooo… No No… stop… don’t panic… breathe… Noooo… No… can’t… can’t breathe… head… spinning… Noooo… please… stop the spinning… stop it… please… I can’t… can’t stand it… can’t breathe… I’m floating… spinning… floating away… this is it… I’m dying… floating… into oblivion… I’m coming… I’m coming George Clooney… wherever the hell you floated off to… I’m coming… there’s no gravity anymore… there’s no nothing anymore…

F    : Dude, wake up… come on man… wake the fuck up…

Me : Hmmmm….. my head… hurts… where am I…?

F    : You’re at my place and you look like shit… was it your first time yesterday…?

Me : Uh.. yeah.

F    : Thought so. You passed out on the floor. Now, put some clothes on and get outta here. You’ve got class in 15 minutes.

La Vostra Luna...

I know you still spend hours at the balcony, looking up at the black sky searching for me. I've been hiding, but you already know that. From behind the smokescreen of these grey clouds, I see you. I see the anguish in your eyes. I can hear the strained notes of hope from the strings in your heart. I can almost read the accusations in your mind. I can see the ripples of questions beneath the ambiguous expression on your face.

"Why do you always do this?
This running away when you hear words that make you uncomfortable... disappearing just like that. Then you keep me waiting till you've sorted out your issues. I stay up teary eyed all night searching the sky, wishing I'd never said those things which upset you... wishing you'd just come back. You hurt me so much and then you reappear... and you want to take it up from where you left off, as if nothing had changed in all these days you've been away, as if my feelings don't matter at all.

But I keep quiet. I never tell you how much you've hurt me because the moment I see that crescent curve on your face, the lopsided smile that I've missed so much, I forget everything else and fall in love with you all over again.

But you're cruel. You take and take and take and when I feel empty and used, when I question you... you vanish again.

But this time you've been gone too long and I'm scared.
Have you forgotten me?"

No...
if only you knew, I'm right here behind these clouds. I've been here all this while, watching you... discreetly.
But I cannot let you see me. I won't show myself to you again. I know it is hurting you. I wish there was another way. The pain will wither away your hope and one day... one day you'll go back inside and close the doors to your balcony forever.

You tried to reach for me and you touched me... not with your hand, but you did touch me. Alas, I'm not what you see from down there. I'm barren... rocks and craters. I'm alone and my soul is cursed to wander alone without any destination. Even though I'm bound to you by an incomprehensible force, and through you to the blue sphere you call home, I'm destined to be alone.

The Aleph

I've been reading some very interesting books lately, the latest of them 'The Aleph' by Paulo Coelho. The Aleph, he says, is a point in the universe that contains all other points, present and past, large and small, and when you are in that point where the Aleph exists you'll experience a seemingly endless trance.

Confusing...?

Well, that's Mr Paulo Coelho for the uninitiated among you... always associating life's simple aspects with such loony philosophical constructs.

For us less spiritually oriented people, the Aleph simply is that place in a room or a building or even a city where you always feel more confident, more at peace with yourself and more present.

Going by that definition, I have a lot of Alephs... one at home, one at college, one at the Aluva Railway station....... oh and I had quite a lot of choices for an Aleph in the Kannur bound Intercity express that I used to board from Aluva. Yes... because of some weird personality defect my Alephs are toilets.

Now, if you are done with the 'Ewww' and acting all grossed out, let me explain. A toilet is the only place where you can truly be alone the whole time you are there. It is the one place where you can feel the lightness of being( and I mean that both literally and philosophically).
Presently, my Aleph is the fourth floor boys toilet at ACE Academy, Hyderabad. It is the one place where people dont disturb me much(except for that guy in the adjoining toilet who's always singing the National Anthem while he's in there).

Actually, it was....
Until some prick started inscribing his life's ambitions on the walls of the toilet. Reading through that 'great' piece of literature that this guy regularly updated, it was obvious that all his thoughts revolved around one particular girl in his class. The walls were full of 'colourful' statements in which he had expressed how 'hard'ly he'd fallen in love and how 'strongly' he felt for her.

Now, I downright loathe people who deface public property and this guy was filling out the walls with the girl's name. One day I got fed up of this.
I was so pissed I took out my green ink pen and wrote in big letters on the wall...
"Atleast spell her name correctly you asshole!!", because I had done some ground work and there was no girl in the institute with the name spelled the way he did on the wall.

Next day, his reply was there, written in red ink.
"Sorry **", and then there was the girl's name with the spelling mistake corrected. That whole day I asked around if anyone knew a girl by that name. In the evening someone said she was in the canteen with her friends. I went to the canteen. There she was.... and damn was she beautiful!! The perfect combination of beautiful and hot.

I ran to the toilet and wrote on the wall...
"I understand what you are going through. Be strong brother......

but fucking stop dirtying the walls of my toilet!!"

P.S
He hasn't yet replied to that comment. So I'm assuming that was the end of our joint attempt at a potential best seller in the Young Adult fiction genre.

posted from Bloggeroid

When I play with myself...

I'm sure the title has perked your curiosity, but I'm gonna have to disappoint all you dirty minded people. This is not a description of the scenario the title might've led you to imagine. This is about an interesting game I play in my head(with myself :P).

It's called, 'Who's to blame?'. As the name suggests, this involves finding out who is to be blamed for something going wrong and reasoning out why it is so. You might accuse that it's such a negative game. In that case my defence is.... Duh, that's what makes it so-fucking-interesting!!!

To give you a better perspective on the game, I'll give you an example. After watching 'Dawn of the planet of the apes', I started thinking about all the ways in which we humans have mutilated this planet of ours. We are never content with what we have. We need more. Wars are waged for Oil and Natural Resources. We keep designing superior vehicles which create the need for better roads and then we cut down forests to pave these roads. I asked myself,

'Who's to blame?'


'Who started all this?'

The answer was obvious. The first human businessman was the beginning point of the downfall.
You don't agree?

Consider this...
Two cavemen are talking. One has a banana. He peels it, and before taking a bite asks the other,
"Dude, you hungry?"
And then he shares the banana with his friend.

A few months later, the same two cavemen are talking(there were no smartphones then, people talked to kill time). One of them again has a banana(coz bananas are funny). He peels it and before taking a bite asks the other,
"Dude, you hungry?"
The other nods a Yes. A wicked smile then appears on the first man's face as the following words were spoken for the first time in human history,
"That'll be 10 Rupees Sir"
(Or whatever the cavemen currency was at that time). And then they were not friends anymore.

I'm telling you, that is where greed was born. That prick of a banana seller(the first businessman) set our species on the path which took us to the point where we are now.

Well, now you know how the game works. Test it. Blame someone now. I guarantee you, you'll feel good.

P.S
On the off chance that you expected something intelligent from me, I regret to inform you that the precious little of it which I have is being consumed in trying to grasp the nuances of Electrical Engineering. With what's left, these are the only sort of things which I can bring myself to think about.

There's another game called 'Finding Faults'. More on that later.

Ciao.

posted from Bloggeroid

The Forbidden Fruit

Time : Around midnight
Location : The boys hostel of a 'fictional' engineering college in Kerala

Two boys are in a heated discussion while a third is sleeping.

A : The biggest problem with our traditions is that other people decide when, where and with whom we are supposed to have sex. Its like the enforcers of our culture and traditions, lets call them 'the moral police'... its like they derive a somewhat sadistic pleasure in denying us the right to have sex if you're not married.

B : So, the reason you are distressed is because pre-marital sex is discouraged in our society. Huh?

A : I just dont agree with the norm that having a job and getting married are prerequisites to getting laid.

B : In that case, please invoke your abundant wisdom and tell us what the real prerequisites are.

A : The only prerequisite is just that you wanna do it.

B : So, in your opinion, if one wants to do it, he should just go ahead and do it..? Without thinking about consequences or the psychological effects it may have on him and his partner..?

A : Uhh... I, uhh...

B : Let me tell you about nuclear fission. Its a beautiful process. If done in a controlled environment, inside a nuclear reactor, it is a very efficient way to produce energy. But, if you dont control it, the process can destroy everything in its proximity... like Hiroshima. Sex is similar you know. Promiscuity can be disastrous. Sex needs a controlled environment and marriage provides just that, a controlled environment wherein the consequences are manageable.

A : You did not just make that analogy... sex and nuclear fission? Seriously? Hiroshima? That's ridiculous. You couldn't be more absurd.

B : Enlighten me then.

A : Hmm... sex, well... sex is like the proverbial apple of Eden. You instruct us not to eat it... we'll sneak out behind your back and shake down the tree to eat it, without thinking about the consequences.
But, if you allow us a bite once in a while, you know like give us our fair share... we'll keep away from the tree.

B : phh.. and you think my analogy was ridiculous.

C gets up groaning, sits on his bed facing A and asks : Supposing that the tree was not forbidden, and you are hungry too... but what if there were no apples on it?

A : Meaning what?

C : Meaning, Is there a girl who is willing to go down that road with you?

A : No... not yet.

C : Then shut the fuck up and let me sleep.


P.S
Mom.. dad... if you've read this and were wondering... I'm not the A in this story. So, no need to worry okay. Promiscuity is an evil thing. Period.
I'm either B or C. Take your pick.

posted from Bloggeroid